#treated myself to lunch

[sae-something]

my extra strong PRN is working and I had 2 glasses of wine so I started rambling and spiralling.

(i'm not fine but i'm safe and just gonna go sleep now. sorry about this.)

I feel so broken. It's just fighting SH urges all day. Last week on monday, we hit something really deep in therapy. I don't really grasp the full weight of it yet, but it felt really, really big. I was overwhelmed, I told A what a young (traumatized) part was saying inside, and A helped me by holding her (imagination). She made a little bowl out of her hands and told me she held this little girl in her safe and still and calm and warm hands, and that we could wrap her in my scarf, and that all 'little girls like that' need is to be held.

And then on thursday we had the evaluation (with HT) and it felt impossibly and unbearably painful to not have any space for all that pain, for all the little girls. I emailed A on wednesday to let her know that I felt the intense turmoil inside about 'seeing her (and HT) without having space for all the pain'.

A didn't read the email until friday. So on thursday I was sitting there with HT and A and it felt like pure and absolute abandonment. To have to sit there with the two people knowing me (and all my parts) closest, and to not have any space for how I felt like a walking wound, like a vulnerable bleeding open wound. Some angry/defensive parts got really, really triggered afterwards.

Eventually A replied to the email on friday and it was a good reply. It made me cry. And I have been counting down the actual hours until therapy again. And then this morning she emailed to cancel.

And also last night I had a dream. My sister finally came to me and in my dream I felt a wave of sadness and relief - until I noticed that my sister could not even look at me. She was just emptily staring at a spot next to me as she told me: dad is dying, you have to come to say goodbye. I went there, and my mother and sister just ignored me. It was like being invisible. They were making me wait until I could see my dad. By the time they finally came to get me, he had already died.

I woke up and went to pee. Didn't have many feelings (some confusion about whether it was real; a few tears - then back to sleep), but it's been haunting me all day. Both my parents had so many health scares over the last year. What if something happens? Will someone notify me? How will I feel? What will I do?

And then I couldn't see A today. When all I needed was her. I've been calming myself down by imagining seeing her again. And now she's gone. And this week, precisely this week, I am going to visit friends in Belgium thursday til saturday. And only two weeks ago A told me she could see me on thursday (online) this week. But that's not possible because I have to catch the train sometime in the morning.

And now all of it just feels like it's my fault. I wanted A too much, so she got sick. I had too many emotions, so she got sick. I decided to not see her twice this week, and she got sick. I wanted her too much, I wanted her too little, I felt too much, I shared too little. I should have flipped out on thursday, would that have mattered? All I want is to hurt myself. Pain pain pain pain pain. Please. I wish someone would just hurt me already.

Sorry I'm getting more and more triggered so I'll stop writing now and just go lay in bed. Only 2 days of work this week - tuesday and wednesday. And then days with friends. On sunday I'll watch both frozen movies with a close friend. And then hopefully A will be back??? Obviously britney, mara and whoever else is angry and distrustful is growling "we're NOT going back" but like. I will. I always go back. I've always been the one to crawl back, begging for another crumb of kindness, another drop of warmth.

I am drowning in longing. I just want A. I want to be a child and to have A as a mother. Even if I'd get born again with a whole new life and I'd get another mother who would hurt me, I'd want it to be A. (I know how fucked up that is to write.) (It's just how everything is messed up. Love comfort longing safety --- pain sexthings terror - what's the difference? What's the difference? Nothing, nothing, nothing. It's all the same. The only thing that's changed is that I am now close enough to other parts to prevent them from emailing A, begging her "will you please hurt me".

Which is good but also means it's not even getting out anymore. Everything is just stuck inside. I'm so alone. No one has ever loved me and no one ever will. Please hurt me. Please hold me.

[tj-crochets]

Today’s enrichment for my enclosure was a new giant whale shark plushie pattern! I got all the machine sewing done, I just need to add the stuffing and close the opening for turning tomorrow

[xxplastic-cubexx]

Read one of your asks which is how I found out that Cherik have a COMIC CANON LOVECHILD WHAAAAAAAAAT

you will address onslaught correctly alright that is their canonical love/hate mpreg brain baby child

[cheekblush]

just had a REALIZATION while dancing to old school rnb music in my room: i am beautiful, i am intelligent, i am funny, thoughtful, kindhearted and witty, i am capable of anything i put my mind to and i can’t believe i let some stupid bitches at work make me feel anything less than that!

[in-tua-deep]

Well it’s already been a day and it’s 8am so

At least it’s a Womble Wednesday

Take care of yourselves today, everyone

[theintelligentfool]

you guys i love college so much

[six-of-ravens]

making a habit tracker after many months without one is sooooo embarrassing bc I was like "why do I bother with this I just put basic human maintenance shit on it, I don't need a reward for that"

and now 8 months later I'm like "oh the reason I feel like shit is because I don't do basic human maintenance"

[melvinthedepressedrobot]

so like. hypothetically if you were in some kind of group and a new person joined and said they remember knowing you like a decade ago but you don't remember them, how well would you take it if they suddenly came up to you a couple of weeks later and said "hey, I know you said you don't remember me and my memory is pretty fuzzy too but I think I was kinda of a dick to you sometimes and I feel like I owe you an apology for that"?

[borealtwilight]

it has finally happened

the john halo order number

[bright-and-burning]

it is genuinely saddening how i follow a third of the people i followed ~9 months ago. i miss when my queue used to spit out anything and everything; it was like one of those gumball machines where you got fun little toys out. and i had so much fun filling it w stuff being like omg friend x is gonna eat this up in three months!!! putting stuff in there to be a little forgotten treasure for myself, some kind of mini time capsule... i literally used to be known for my variety posting you know. but i've had to mow down the biodiversity of my dash aggressively to avoid catching strays and i feel like i've been curling up further and further into a ball on here like a terrified potato bug

[beannary]

1 hour long lunch my beloved <3

[set-phasers-to-whump]

whumptober 2023 masterpost!

day 1 - "how many fingers am i holding up?" - illya kuryakin

day 2 - thermometer - illya kuryakin

day 3 - broken - sakari nurmi

day 4 - shock - illya kuryakin

day 5 - "it's broken" - illya kuryakin

day 6 - "it should have been me" - gereon rath

day 7 - alleyway, radio silence, "can you hear me?" - john reese

day 8 - outnumbered - illya kuryakin

day 9 - shaking - illya kuryakin

day 10 - broken phone - shawn spencer

day 11 - animal trap - eddie diaz

day 12 - red - eddie diaz

day 13 - cold compress, "i don't feel so good" - eddie diaz

day 14 - water inhalation - illya kuryakin

day 15 - makeshift bandages - sakari nurmi

day 16 - brass knuckles - illya kuryakin

day 17 - "leave me alone" - illya kuryakin

day 18 - tortured for information, "hit them harder" - peter sutherland

day 19 - aftermath of failure - sonny carisi

day 20 - blanket, found family - milosz nowak

day 21 - "don't move" - shawn spencer

day 22 - glass shard - gereon rath

day 23 - shadows, "who's there?" - william murdoch

day 24 - examination - william murdoch

day 25 - storm - illya kuryakin

day 26 - seeing double, working to exhaustion, "you look awful" - sakari nurmi

day 27 - "let me see" - peter sutherland

day 28 - bloody knife - neal caffrey

day 29 - troubled past resurfacing - sakari nurmi

day 30 - borrowed clothing - sakari nurmi

day 31 - "take it easy" - john reese

[yohankang]

i had the best morning walk today 😭💖

[badstepsmoving]

kinda just wanna lay in bed all day ngl

[bakuraryxu]

this fucking blows im like wah boohoo why am i always (bougie) broke and when i really analyse my spending the only places i can cut down are coffees and meals for entertainment. -_- or private health insurance. wheres that quote thats like things becoming more expensive means you eat less and go out less and spend less and soon you become less. christ

[shoshiwrites]

Doing it (getting through the second half of the day) for her (unwatched episode of MotA)